Sick of reading snippets of people who pretend to be “in the know” about City’s takeover saga? Or is your mate constantly sending you updates on what Dave from Kirkella says on Not 606 and you’re suicidal? Are you coming out in hives at the thought of checking the HCAFC hashtag on twitter? Well… frankly? Me too. I’m thoroughly bored of all this now and personally think that this month will end with a damp squib, a couple of loan moves and a squad that’s ready to do an action replay from 2020. But what do I know?
The answer to this rhetorical question readers is I know absolutely nothing. My cousin doesn’t work for a local solicitor, I’ve never watched Turkish reality TV, my mate doesn’t fix Assem’s car and I’m not sending Happy Allam beg friend messages on Instagram like he’s my mate. I know nowt, diddly, nadda, naff all. Just like all of you. ALL OF YOU.
So to kill time before our inevitable heartbreak and ruin, I thought I’d make up five completely random conspiracy theories about City with no evidence whatsoever to back myself up with. Because let’s be honest whilst the club has all the clarity of the North Korean Government department for justice, there’s not much else to do is there?
Once again send all your hate tweets to @thelikesofhull and thanks to Rich Walker and Luke Flanagan’s snakey hashtagging last time after the “Top 5 whopper fanbases”, I really did get a load of abuse from Sheffield Wednesday fans (although one or two were happy to be top of a league finally) so thanks for that lads. Ruined my holiday.
So here’s some conspiracies I’ve just made up.
1. Ryan Longman has an identical twin Bryan
This is the most likely of my rumours today. It’s the only thing that can possibly explain why he was the best player in a pre-season friendly at Scunny, yet then started the season looking like he was an asthmatic Polynesian Rugby player who had never seen a round ball before or understood any rules. Fast forward to the magical month of November and he was excellent again scoring against Millwall and Bristol City, he then topped that all off by scoring a belter in the FA Cup, before looking like Prime Christian Hargreaves vs Stoke again.
So there’s two Longman brothers. We took Ryan on loan, but he swapped with Bryan for September and October. The real Ryan came back for November and December, but we got the spudgun version Bryan back after the FA Cup. Makes sense. Defo.
2. City’s “takeover” was all just a ruse to increase the ratings of the Voice in Turkey
I take it back, the “two Longmans” theory isn’t the most likely. This is.
So old Simon Cowellicali is struggling to get the ratings he wants on the Turkish voice, he thinks to himself, “What could really turn this programme around and get me back above Turkish strictly with Bruce Forsythe’s robot replica?” and then he realises… “you know what is properly box office? That lower half of the championship team in the amber kit with the fans who hate their owners!” Bob’s your Uncle, he gets a Sheffield Wednesday number of Turks to like us on Instagram, everyone all over Istanbul shouts “Who’s Hull City? Never heard of them!” and he’s back on top… Genius…
3. The pictures Malik Wilks has of Grant McCann have been compromised because only Josh Magennis knows where they are and that’s why he’s sold him…
We’ve often wondered as the anemic strike duo hot footed it to another “Hull City Nil” conclusion why they were both playing week in week out. The answer as we all know is that they had compromising pictures of Grant doing something or other, probs running naked up Sandy Row or even worse playing Fifa with Marcus Maddison.
So, they were guaranteed the start because Grant couldn’t afford for people to know he was still mates with the carpet headed attention seeker in Spalding. But then Grant pulled an expert move on the duo as he discovered it was only Magennis who kept the pictures, in a secret draw at the club where he knew nobody would look. Codenamed “Cliff Byrne’s trouser draw” only the North Irish striker knew the whereabouts of this room of requirement. Thus the Sandy Row Whopper has now sold him and benched Malik because he’s “injured” and just to rub in in he made him wear a really stupid looking hat at the game against Stoke. Rumour is he’s going to make him wear hot pants vs Blackburn.
4. Regan Slater’s Dad controls the city fanbase via Twitter and will buy us on the 31st of January simply to take his son on loan..
Nobody wants to come to City that much. Let’s be honest. A couple of years ago some random Fleetwood fan cracked me up on Twitter after Lewie Coyle said “Once I knew Hull City were coming in for me it was the only club in the world I couldn’t turn down” by tweeting something like “Errr.. Lewie… Pep Guardiola on the blower? No… no… sorry mate… he’s gone to Hull”
So Regan’s angry Dad has been down to the HSBC and got 30 mill out, so he can get his lad back on the bench at the K-Com, he’s that level of pissed off. He’s like Veruca Salt’s Dad from Charlie and the Chocolate factory, apart from his lad dreams of rivalling Richie Smallwood. It’s a funny old world eh?
Amazing what the love of a son will make you do…
He’ll tweet something out soon to confirm it, tagging Sheffield United and saying “30 mill it’s cost me to free my boy! Bastards! #SUFC and an emoji of two swords”
5. Baz Cooper IS Acun Ilıcalı and has been working undercover as a Hull Daily Mail writer all this time…
Ever met Baz? Thought not.
Ever seen Baz by the bins in West Park having a Greggs with Burnsy? Yeh…me neither.
Wonder why the bloke who used to report on a “team in Red” is now reporting on City? Co-incidence? I think not..
Why do you think he gets all the exclusive interviews eh? Not hard when you are Acun IIlcali undercover is it?
Next time Bentos or someone is pouring scorn on whether the deal is with the EFL. Just pop in… “Baz, are who do you think will win the Turkish version of Survivor?” he won’t be able to help himself. He’ll confirm that he thinks it’s Yusuf to win (yes I’ve googled “most popular boys names in Turkey” thank you) and cover blown. I know what you’re up to Cooper. You’re fooling nobody. You and your mate Mike “Besiktas” White…
Thanks for reading folks, at least I never had a Turkish flag in my bio, and chin up… it might never happen. I’m pretty sure when it comes to us… it won’t happen…