Awards are a bit of a dud, really aren’t they? I mean it’ll be really nice for those who win something but it’s usually not hard to guess and everyone gets dressed up for nowt. I mean, I’m writing this before our actually award ceremony so Malik Wilks could technically get beered up and slap Tom Eaves during player’s player… but let’s be honest… it’s unlikely.
With that in mind I thought I’d try and spice up this long running and somewhat cliched arrangement with some alternative awards that more closely resemble the experience of being a Hull City fan. Do try to remember these are just a shoddy attempt to make you smile, or alternatively send your hate tweets to @thelikesofhull on twitter. UTT.
The Kev Chadwick excuse for not attending City games award
“The West Stand Upper isn’t open”
It was a season where lots of fans had the chance to return… with new owners, a higher level of football, no lockdown, cheap tickets etc, and to be fair many did as we’ve averaged three or four thousand more since Acun took over the club. However, it became somewhat of twitter sport to look at the excuses concocted by a small minority who never really had the courage to say “I just liked it when we were in the Prem playing Man Yoo”. Lots to choose from here but the fact that a stand that was hugely underused during all but the Premier League campaigns was still shut was still my favourite. Stop whinging and get off twitter on the #hcafc tagline if this was your “excuse”.
Runner up “Ferriby have got a really important Step 10 play-off game, even though I’m not from Ferriby, and went once this season”
The “Ratio’d/What’s worse than a heartbreak?/Cry more” award for the most tedious twitter phrase
So much choice here as it seems that at least half the fanbase are potentially bots just repeating the same phrases over and over again. Unfortunately, this one pops up every transfer window and even when the club was finally sold in January and most of the fanbase felt pure unadulterated joy. Kieran from Hessle answered the club tweet with “Announce Ozil”. Dear god.
Runner up “That could never be me”. Which ironically, could never be me.
The Massive Sheffield Wednesday would have sold out Live Aid award for the most deluded fan base.
Again, choice was my friend here as we came across more and more delusional fan bases this season; however, Forest were in a league of their own. The sheer anger amongst them that we haven’t simply kicked our own fans out of their normal seats to give them more seats for the game this week is wonderful. It’ll be on TV and those who have tickets are the ones that go all the time but that hasn’t stopped a cavalcade of misinformation from the knuckle dragging, spellcheck avoiding time travellers. Apparently, we should need their money (this score just in Hull City Debt 0 Nottingham Forest Debt 200 Million Pounds) and we’re tinpot and irrelevant and the usual stuff. Even though we’ve been in the Premier League three times since they last did, have played in the FA Cup final and Europe. But yeh, you’re massive. Massive bell ends.
Blackburn Rovers for crying up and down the M62 then walking around the Old Town in ill fitting Cabrini Tracksuits trying to be hard.
The David Meyler award for outstanding services to Shithousery.
People like to point to pivotal moments in a season and it would be easy to look at the win at Bournemouth or the impressive run we had in late Autumn. I feel I’ve pinpointed exactly when the season changed. 3-0 down on Sky vs Sheffield United and being given yet another lesson in the Championship level, George was brought on as sub after his ankle injury, Billy Sharp had mugged off the whole defence several times, and we’d done precious little about it. So, the Honeymonster came on, absolutely nailed Fat Billy and got booked, but just walked off mainly shouting at his own team mates in explaining why this was sixty minutes too late. I love the man, he scored from a cross against Birmingham that started off in Hessle and laughed in the face of the lesser Tavernier at Boro. What. A. Guy. (if he leaves we riot).
The Millwall Ball boys for throwing the ball away from our players repeatedly in the last ten minutes.
The John Uzzell Award for the worst song of the season
“We saw your sister on Jeremy Kyle”
Let’s be honest I’m truly spoilt for choice here. There’re all kinds of cringe provided by the East Stand at times but this absolute whopper getting doled out once a fortnight never ceases to make me feel ashamed. It wasn’t funny when it was sang five years ago either.
That song about what Malik Wilks puts in his sock. Oh dear.
The Brian Laws award for the most embittered opposition manager
It’s not the first time that you could have said “I’m not sure what Paul Ince was watching”
But his description of the straightforward 3-0 City win last month was something that Roald Dahl would have struggled to put together. He came across like your Auntie at a family get together after two shandies when she doesn’t actually know where she is anymore and gets a lift home in an ambulance. Viva Paul Ince, give the man a ten-year contract.
Scott Parker- dry your eyes Scott, nearly 200 million on players and you scored zero in 180 minutes against us. Shame.
The Mark Bonner Award for doing one really good thing and disappearing award
I mean technically it could be two good things as he scored a belter in pre-season at Scunny but he then followed that up with the last goal at Preston and at one stage he had a Mitrovic like goals to minutes ratio. However, that seemed to be his peak and after a handful of other appearances off he’s gone to Stockport. Bless you Andy, we’ll always have Deepdale.
Hit the post at the K.Com. Signed for us. Played for ten minutes. Didn’t any more. Lovely.
The Don Robinson on a horse chucking sweets at kids bat shit crazy but well intentioned marketing award
Acun Ilicali for taking 500 City fans on holiday
I like lots of our fans. I even know some of them. However, I’d rather spend a week round Jimmy Saville’s house in a gimp suit than go on holiday with a load of our fans. Fair Acun you crazy genius you’re making Hull City supporters happy in ways I never thought was possible.
Hull City Retro outselling half the actual real kits by bringing back of those tops that looked like Rod Stewart’s strides circa 1976.