Lots of ex-pats and exiles commented that they weren’t covered by my first 8 types of city fan. They may still think it doesn’t cover them, but…. It definitely covers some. Most of you know what Stockholm Syndrome is (Millionaire’s daughter didn’t want to leave her kidnappers as she’d bonded with them in the early seventies) But the SSV has been away from Hull for quite some time and slips into the interests of their new captives with great fervour. Thus our timelines are awash with American politics, Australian Climate change concerns and the inner workings of life in Dubai. This. Isn’t. Interesting.

 

At a slightly different time to everyone else. They are having their breakfast when we have our tea.

 

“I’m sure you think that Potter is good, but on ESPN Latvia, they said he’s vastly overrated”

 

 

Watching on i-follow the lucky lucky bastards.

 

 

Jackson Irvine and Jan Molby

 

 

 

This City fan goes above and beyond the usual methods to find the content that they need. Like that cheating Argie at Dirty Leeds, this undercover training ground dweller is hanging around in the bushes trying to see if we are about to change formation after Thursday’s training session and figure out “Who is on the grass” today.

 

From behind the bins at the training ground.

 

“*Scoff* I think you’ll find Kevin Stewart is at least 2 weeks off being in the first team squad, how little do you know?”

 

 

West Stand, in official merch, thinking they are director of football. Or possibly being asked to leave.

 

 

Player changes regularly as he knows more than anyone, manager is Steve Bruce as he once offered him a sympathy cuppa.

 

This one is like the gif or Homer in the bush. If we are terrible, they post about Airlie Birds or Robins, when they are terrible, he comes back to us. Like a Mormon he’s got two wives and flip flops between the two. The same with their profile picture and background. A bit strangely the Gerrumonsider really dislikes the other bird follower more than anything else in life and everyone else who likes the other bird, even though it’s their neighbour, milkman or Mum. Bit odd that.

 

About the ball retention of the Catalan Dragons and talks about “Big weekends”

 

“Look at them? Rolling around like a big girl’s blouse, you don’t do that in leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaggggueeeee”

 

 

Wearing inappropriate clothing looking shifty.

 

 

Clive Sullivan and that Stevo bloke who used to be on Sky.

 

You tube, apple podcasts, spotify and anchor fm have a lot to answer for.

 

This social media darling has less followers than your Aunty Margo, but somehow is on the EFL Quest show on a Saturday night and has one of those blue ticks next to their name. You swear blind you’ve never seen them at a game before 2017 but they’ve got a match worn shirt from Andy Payton and if you pay £5 pounds a month on Patreon you can go around their house and give it a stroke. Baffling.

 

At half time to summarise exactly what you’ve just seen but with the words in a slightly different order. Or to advertise their blog/vlog/podcast directly nicking what you said last week without thanking you.

 

“Listen pal, I’m sure you think you understand about the 4-3-3 but it’s actually a bit more complex than you think. Comprendez?”

 

 

In a better seat than David Burns.

 

 

Whoever retweeted them last in both cases.

 

I’ll come clean. This one is my favourite. They never let the perma-shit show that we provide in life get them down, mainly by completely ignoring the content we serve up. And doing funny pictures of stuff on the internet, because…. Funny shit.

 

 

 

 

Quote tweets of someone serious asking a question about “People who have made a deep cultural change in your City” with a picture of Ronnie Pickering in his car. Or one of those Instagram girls that say “What’s worse than a heartbreak?” with a picture of Terry Dolan in that white away kit.

 

They won’t start an argument in the first place, waste of time.

 

 

Drunk.

 

 

The one from One Direction who played for Donny Rovers and John Sitton.  

The time traveller has had enough of 2021 and has no earthly intent to live their life within it’s confines. Old is the new new to this Citter regular and you won’t convince them otherwise. Old music, football, clothing, programmes. They probably even go dewy eyed over memories of Thatcher and Mike Smith being in charge of the country and City at the same time. Time distorts everything my friend.

 

Clips from you tube in all its grainy glory. Pictures of tiger cola and the time Don Robinson rode a horse. Even seems to have enjoyed getting beaten up if it was in 1976.

 

“He’s no (insert the name of player who is currently drawing his pension)”

 

 

With a far away look in his eye, remembering.

 

 

Wagstaff and Terry Neill.

 

 

The data collector doesn’t have a job, so think long and hard before you engage in any sort of conversation with them. You probably have a significant other, a job, the need to be seen by others so you don’t end up with your picture on a milk carton. They don’t.

 

Talking to the data collector is like being stuck in a conversational vortex where there’s no escape. It doesn’t matter if you point out that Keane Lewis Potter scored what turned out to be an important goal on Saturday, the DC have the proof that he didn’t and it wasn’t and will also question everything about your existence in the meantime, with data as his friend. His only friend.

 

To themselves.

 

“Statistically there’s a 98.9% chance that you’re wrong, the opta stats prove it, don’t make me show you the heat map”

 

 

Sitting alone with an abacus.

 

 

Statistically speaking Allan McGregor was our best ever player, if future data is to be interpreted correctly Phil Parkinson would have us in the champions league by now. Fact.

 

 

 

The closet pervert has no understanding of alga rhythms or simply forgets about them. So they don’t think anyone knows of their filthy past-time. Unfortunately, our newsfeeds regularly share with us what they’ve liked and that’s more often than not somebody wearing very little and asking one of those vacuous questions that certain types do to fish for attention. Who did they catch? The closet pervert is who.

 

Normal things by day. But it’s the likes that are the problem, and the follows…so many follows.

 

“Cor…..phwoar…. blimey” (in a Sid James carry on voice)

 

 

In the toilets.

 

 

That one from Love Island and Dan Blizerean